Friends, relationships, suicidal maniacs...

Have you ever noticed how you have a love-hate relationship with most friends and family members? It's never more clear than when friends of yours go through a break up and then start accusing you of taking sides. Why do you have to choose a side? Why can't they both still be your friends? Even if you can't go out with both of them at the same time it shouldn't stop you from hanging out with both of them individually.

It can spill out onto other relationships too making the whole thing into a mess. This can be aggravated even further by people turning around and either in private or in public they start talking about committing suicide. I know it sounds a little callous here but I've dealt with people who are suicidal more than once and most of the time they don't talk about they just try. Either they succeed or the fail. Sometimes they try and commit suicide and then phone you because they're scared and sometimes you can then help them and save them, but sometimes no matter what you do you can't help them. So when people play the suicide card as a bargaining chip it starts to irritate me beyond belief. I know I should be sympathetic. Indeed, part of me is sympathetic but there's that little bit of me that just wants to shout at them and tell them to sort it out themselves instead of dumping everything on me. Why should I be someone that even total strangers feel they can tell me their life stories and expect me to give them help or advice??? Do I give off some kind of signal saying "come to me, I can solve all your problems, I can be trusted" or something? I don't mind it all the time but sometimes it becomes too much...I have my own problems, my own depression, my own psychosis.

Anyway back to my current rant and why I feel some people may consider me to be a bitch but at times I'd prefer they either commit suicide or quit whining about it. O.K. so you want or need some attention, that's fine, but just ask for it. Simply ask to talk, say you're feeling a bit depressed, don't start doing this whole "I'm going to commit suicide, my life is hell and nobody cares, ANGST!" thing. It doesn't impress me, it doesn't make me want to help, it certainly doesn't make me feel like talking to you. I will anyway, it's part of my nature, I can't deny people who ask for help - still I can feel part of myself shrink from you, my friend, and I hate myself that little bit more because of it.

Space

Isn't it funny how as a species we crave attention? We strive towards a connection with others, friendships, relationships, family - and yet whilst around those same people we often find ourselves craving space. There's nothing that can be said to another person that can truly make them understand how you feel, and unless you believe in telepathy I doubt there ever will be. Everything's open to interpretation, the way you say something may not sound how you meant it to someone else.

Take for example my computer, my room, and my flat. I have flatmates, and whilst in general they're ok and we get on sometimes they grate on my nerves. I've tried dropping hints. I've tried simply telling them that this is my computer and sometimes I just want them to leave me alone and leave my computer alone so I can have some time on it for myself, and yet somehow they never seem to understand this.

The other day one of my housemates gave my computer a virus, spread through MSN this is a relatively new worm. I became annoyed. I was annoyed at the time when I just assumed she had infected my computer but she ran a virus scan and said everything was fine, I believed this though I still wasn't happy and gave her a lecture about checking before opening stuff. The next day, when I finally had a chance to use my computer (I can't bring myself to kick people off my computer, I wish I could - well actually I wish they'd figure it out for themselves and limit their time on my pc - or failing that maybe they could pry themselves from their beds earlier and use the computer whilst I'm at work leaving me free access to it on the evenings when I come home), I discover it's playing up. So I run a virus scan after running a live update - what's the point in running one without updating the viral definitions I'd like to know - and what do you know the thing that screwed up my pc is that damn link she clicked in MSN without checking what it was first.

Maybe I'm going OTT but I like to have my own space at times and whilst she's a great mate she's a little too much every once in a while - but if I seem upset or annoyed it always seems to be my fault. If I tell her what's wrong she gets upset with me, if I don't she gets upset with me, it's like a lose-lose situation for me and it's pissing me off. I'd also really like it if she'd figure out that when I'm tired and starting to fall asleep this doesn't mean she can spend five or ten minutes tapping away on my keyboard followed by turning on the light to spend another five or ten minutes looking for a book to read. I realise I have five bookcases worth of books, but again there are other times to look for one - say when I'm not trying to go to sleep. Of course this has left me irritated and woken me up so I'm here typing this instead of sleeping and have no idea when I'll be tired enough to actually go to sleep now...

I don't mind if she stays in to watch a movie or something because that I can sleep through. For some reason (unless it's particularly loud) voices, music and so on isn't a problem but keys tapping is something that I can't sleep to. I don't know why...

Introductions...

So I guess introductions are in order.

I am me.

Will that do??? Probably not although it is true people normally like to know more about an individual other than that they exist. Hmmm.....

Well my name is Melanie, my surname is famous in British history seeing as I'm a direct descendant of Sir William Wilberforce. I've been nicknamed many things but most of them included the words mad or mental in some form. Here's a sample:

Loon!
loony
loonylass
loonalee
M
Madmel
Melünia (Eric_the_girl insists it has to have the umlaut)
Mentalmel
Mental Spice (argh!)
Mixed up spice (double argh though more original)
The Mental One
TMO

I've also been known by many other names such as Thera, Pthia, Gwyddor, Vendaval, Meridwen and more from the many characters I keep going for various roleplays, they're all little bits of me so I can never feel too lonely, I also have various nicks on several chat progs/servers from aim to dalnet (erm actually I think I'm still banned from dalnet )

I live in Guildford which is near enough to London to be handy and far enough away to be nice I have in the past lived in many other places, these place include several in the UK, several in Germany, The Netherlands, Belgium, and Finland. I went to fourteen different schools, two of which were boarding schools and one was girls only "ARGH!" I hear you say...well it wasn't nice, but I've never been expelled, I was suspended once but that was for hitting someone and breaking a couple of bones - his not mine. In my defence he was the school bully and 8 years older than me, I've since learnt to control my temper

I was born the year Star Wars was released in the cinema originally, it's also the year that is the title of an ASH song, and the year Bat out of Hell is copyrighted. The day and month are the same as the Bat out of Hell II album is copyrighted. Those who've bothered to look these things are even weirder than me (I salute you - and if you know them without needing to you must have freaky eidetic memory) will know what my birthdate is and can work out how old I am, failing that you can find out by asking me or finding a forum I post on...or a website or something...

I am a geek, a goth, a gamer...and a girl. I like playing with my computer and if I have money I tend to go for an upgrade. Sometimes I'll buy comics, I collect comics. Or a game for my pc one of my many consoles, a boardgame, some rpg sourcebook or even a pack of tcg cards, or I may spend some money on lrp gear. Of course I usually don't have any money because I bought a flat and work for the NHS

I've played every form of hockey known to mankind and sadly ended up injured with a knee that's been operated on, major bummer as it means I need to try and lose weight and regain my fitness now I can walk again.

I'm trying to learn Japanese, partly because I then won't have to worry about subtitles ever again and partly because I simply wanted to, the language after that will be Cantonese and then maybe Mandarin (then maybe I'll brush up on some of the European languages I kinda know a little from living in a lot of different countries).

I teach sailing, I've been taught fencing (foil, epee and sabre, but also broadsword), I enjoy archery, I read a lot and watch movies. I tend to be into sci-fi/fantasy and martial arts so a lot of my book and movie collections reflect this.

I've been paid to draw/paint and use various materials from pastels through to silk painting in various styles from a style that's all my own through to comic and manga but it's just a hobby really.

I do a lot of things, and I have an obssessive personality in some ways... If you feel I've failed in some way and you still want to know more you can always ask me, I don't bite (unless you want me too )...